I Miss Him

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I Miss Him

I have just arrived home from an epic journey

and he is not here.

I have gotten use to his quiet presence in the corner of the room.

I know that he said he would always be with us,

which of course, I know he is…

but it feels different now.

Everything feels different now.

Nothing is as it used to be.

The absence of his cute, little physical form

is just one of many changes in my life.

I wonder if you are noticing this, too?

The blank slate, the opportunity to be…what?

For the past two years,

Bill came back into our lives with a renewed power.

A vim and vigor for the unfolding of life

into its fullest expression….

to be a quantum human.

I felt the call.

I jumped on the bandwagon…full force.

I had no idea what he meant when he said

we have the opportunity to become quantum

but I felt it deep in my bones.

This is what I have been searching for my whole life.

This is the fullest expression

of the deepest truth of who I am.

And now, I am just beginning to glimpse

that the fullest expression is so, so beyond what I thought it was.

It includes what I thought it was,

a world filled with unconditional love, light, magic, miracles and blessings…

but there is so much more.

I did not realize that my concepts about all of those wonderful,

high vibrational states, was actually limiting their expression.

Heck, I did not realize I had concepts about them

until Bill pointed it out.

My thoughts, my assumptions, my identity

put a veil over my perception.

But, this is just part and parcel of being a regular human being.

Every moment of ‘normal’ life was not what it seemed.

Bill said, if we felt called to be quantum humans,

all we could do was let go.

Let go of it all.

All of our attachments to the normal things,

the reassuring things and the disturbing things…

all of it had to go.

And what did we get for undertaking this grand adventure?

Nothing!

We got to sit in a big, fat vat of absolutely nothing.

Sometimes, I did not know I was in nothingness

until Bill pointed it out.

Nothingness is also not a simple concept

for our dear sweet, overwrought, human minds to be with.

So Bill, invited our minds to let go too.

It can’t get there.

It can’t figure this out.

So don’t bother trying.

Just be…and then not be.

His presence, that quirky, loving, indescribable presence

reassured my mind that it was ok to be nothing.

His adorable little human body,

let my body know…

without words,

that it would survive and even thrive,

being nothing.

And then something completely unexpected happened.

Just when I had settled into fully letting go of my old human identity,

I found out that I was also dissolving and

reforming my relationship

with all of collective humanity, too!

Each person does this quantum journey in their own unique way,

so it makes sense that a oneness oriented, empath, like myself

would be called to let go of all the ways that

my old human self connected with others.

None of life is what it seemed to be.

But, rather than falling into despair, worry or fear about that truth,

I was gifted moments of experiencing the ‘more’.

Life is not what it seemed to be…

it is SO MUCH MORE!

I could not make the ‘more’ moments happen.

They came as spontaneous gifts.

Shifts in consciousness

that changed everything.

They were embodied, palpable, undeniable

and they did not stay….or so it seemed.

Bill was always there to reassure me

that these moments of grace were real.

They were expressions

of my quantum nature.

My desire to be there, to be quantum all the time, skyrocketed.

But with that desire came the deep clarity

that my old human self could not make this dream come true.

The only thing I could humanly do…

was let go.

Which meant, letting go of my attachment to being

in charge of my life.

I want this shift in consciousness.

I want to be my quantum self.

So now, it is time to let go….even more fully

and trust.

This does not mean that I become passive.

It means that I am not who I was.

My quantum self does not desire to become quantum

because she already is.

My quantum self does not wish for things to be different in my life,

because she created everything that is in my life.

My mind still sputters somewhat around these statements.

But my mind has also agreed,

over and over and over again

that she cannot figure it out.

She cannot make this happen.

It is all above her pay grade.

So my mind consciously steps out the role of being me

and lets my quantum self be me.

Then, of course, my mind would often fall back

into her old default identity mode

and Bill’s presence would remind me again,

that it is possible to be quantum.

That I actually already am quantum.

We all are.

We just don’t think we are.

And now, he is not here to remind me.

He has taken a year off

to discover what else this magical, mysterious quantum has to offer us.

The next, even more….more!

And so, I miss him

and I still feel him.

In this moment,

I feel him saying, “you got this!”.

Let your quantum nature lead.

Let go of it all.

Be nothing.

Be everything.

Be curious.

Be fascinated.

The quantum is always creating

and dissolving

and re-creating everything…

in every moment.

Even…you!